Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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