Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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