just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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