how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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