My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
