go do what you do best...puke behind churches
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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