so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
