i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
