I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
