chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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