I like my sex mixed with concussions.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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