She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
