I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
