This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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