I need to stop coming to work sober
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
