Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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