Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
