dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
