i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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