I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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