Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
