We're like a lot better than the average bears
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
