You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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