I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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