that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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