Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
