Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
