I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
