im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
