Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
