when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize