He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
