I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
