Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
