how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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