wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
