i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
