it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
