Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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