she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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