i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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