but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
