I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I want to make a zoo with you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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