and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We need a shit load of segways right now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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