just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
