Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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