And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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