she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
