So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
