I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
