gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
