umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
