yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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