god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
