Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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