Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Randomize
