Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
