Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
