Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
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can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
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by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.