Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..