i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.