Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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