your parents love me but you hate me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
